Date: Wed, 05 Feb 1997 13:21:27 +0100
To: malak@pobox.com
From: Firestarter <mjanssen@xs4all.nl>
Subject: What would have happened if the Wuss had been part of the crew
in First Contact!

Here's an amusing story that I wrote about what would have happened if
the boy wonder we all love to hate wouldn't have gone off chasing his
inner child with the Traveller, but instead had finished his Starfleet
Academy education (that he had been whining about for half the series,
yet drops out instantly of when some dodgy geezer with crap makeup says
so) and gets himself a posting on the Enterprise-E! If you like it (I'm
sure you will... ooh, now I'm starting to imitate the Wuss, assuming
everyone likes what I do, sorry!) could you file it in you /wussley
directory. If you hate it, just send it to /trash!

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN FIRST CONTACT!
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What would have happened if the Wuss had been part of the crew in First
Contact!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
By Martijn Janssen (c) 1997 -- Filename: FCWUSS.TXT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
All the names are trademarks of Paramount Pictures (including the
Weasel, much to their detriment) and are used without permission. No
infringement intended!

There, with the legalistic bullshit out of the way, let's get down with
what WOULD have happened if Weasley Crusher had been part of the
Enterprise-E's crew during the events of Star Trek: First Contact!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Wussley...eh Wesley, you go on and help that nice Mr. Cochrane finish
his rocket," Picard said "Geordi, Will, Reg and honeybutt...oops your
mommy are needed on the Enterprise where the really important stuff is
going on."

"Aye, aye, sir, I will make you proud once more, sir!" the Weasel burst
out, filled to the top with his usual pride and smugness. That Velaran
microbrain, he thought. How could he think that ANYTHING could be more
important than what HE Wesley Crusher was been doing?

"Whatever...please try not to fuck things up, as you usually do!" He
taps his comm badge and says: "Beam me up, Geordi!". The transporter
chief answers: "Sir, is there something wrong? I'm not Geordi, Star
Fleet has given up making the Chief Engineer perform the menial task of
transporting people, they give that job to losers to O'Brien and me.
And you never say 'Beam me up'?"

"Oh, stop whining, I was distracted by the Weasel...eh Wesley. Get me
as far from him in the shortest time as possible!"

"Understood," answered the Transporter Chief "would you like a nice cup
of tea when you're up, you know, it's my only other task besides
sitting behind the transport panel and waiting till someone wants to go
up or go down. It can be very boring!"

"Yeah, I see why they give it to a git like you, WILL YOU BEAM ME UP AND
GET ME OUT OF THE WEASEL'S SIGHT, NOW, DAMMIT!!!" Picard is beamed up
and disappears from the scene.

So, now it's only the Wuss left on the surface of the Earth to help
Zefram Cochrane fix what is to become the very first warp driven space
vessel.

"Hey, where did all those astronaughts go to," says a drunk Zefram
Cochrane: "and who the fuck are you?". He takes one look at the Weasel's
sorry face, then takes another swig from the Tequila bottle he is
holding in his hand. "Geez, they say they are so advanced and look what
they leave behind!"

"My name is Wesley Crusher and I am the brightest officer on the
Enterprise, with the exception of Reg Barclay, but he's a stammerer and
so he doesn't count!" basks the Weasel with his usual arrogant tone.

"Yeah, I met that Barclay fella," muses Cochrane "and I thought he was a
little weird, but still a damn nice chap. You on the other hand are not
much more than a smart ass git who thinks he's better than everybody
else!"

"But, I am, I AM!" retorts the Weasel.

"Oh, what the fuck, they stuck me here with you, might as well get it
over with!". Cochrane turns and walks to the Titan missile silo. "Follow
me, will you?" he gestures. The Weasel plods two paces behind Cochrane.
They descend down a ladder and after a while they stand face to face
with the Phoenix, the first warp driven space vehicle.

"Oh, goody," proclaims the Wuss: "I remember this from my excursion to
the Smithsonian, with the Gifted Kindergarten Class. I knew more about
it than any other boy or girl!" Wesley starts rambling on about
transwarp conduits, proto-mastic transductors and more un-understandable
pieces of techno-babble. Hanging out with Data hasn't done him much
good. Of course you couldn't blame Data, since the Wuss is they only
person on the 'prise who doesn't get bored of his blabbering after more
than 2 picoseconds!

"Dear God," says Cochrane "first WWIII and now this? What have I done
wrong? All I want to do is score with some naked chicks down some
tropical paradise! Is that so wrong to ask for? Is it so bad to hope for
something better?" He opens a new Tequila bottle and takes yet another
swig. But even that doesn't help to fence out the endless barrage of
techno-babble which the Wuss is spouting, whilst showing off his talents
repairing the Phoenix. Suddenly Cochrane remembers the location of his
old service revolver and it doesn't take long for him to make a
decision. He takes out the gun, puts a single cartridge in it and starts
playing a game of Russian Roulette. He puts the gun against his head and
depresses the trigger. Nothing happens. Damn, tough luck, thinks
Cochrane. He takes out the chamber, gives it a swing and re-inserts it.
He puts the gun against his head and depresses again. Again nothing
happens. Double damn, Cochrane swears mentally. He repeats the action
and depresses for a third time. This time he is 'lucky', the bullet
leaves the chamber and splatters his brain against the wall of the
missile silo.

Weasly looks up, hearing the shot. He had been enamered so much by his
own techno-babble (thinking how smart he was knowing all those pointless
details) that he hadn't noticed Cochrane playing his deadly game. He
looks at the lifeless body of the inventor of the warp drive and feels
desparation. Now the future is lost, because of me! The desparation
turns into elation, when a sickening plan forms in the Weasle's head.
Not having been shy taking the glory of other people's work before, why
should he stop now. Imagine it, Wesley Crusher, inventor of the warp
drive. A 20' statue of ME! Highschools named after ME! The Crusher
deceleration maneuver! Picard had a maneuver named after him, so why not
ME! The Crusher distortion! The millicrusher as a measure of subspace
distortion. Why should all that honor and glory be bestowed on some old
hippy drunkard? All he had to do was finishing the repairing of the
Phoenix and flying that decrepid old crate for a wee bit to the moon!
Then millions of people would hail HIM as their hero and savior. With
his smuggest grin on his face his stared at the body of Cochrane and
thought, tough luck, sucker! History is told by the winners. When I
return I will tell them that I, Wesley Crusher was the one who built the
Phoenix and not Cochrane. With my indepth knowledge I will be able to
deceive them. Then all that remains is getting rid of the Enterprise.
With a last look at Cochrane he set him self to finish the work laid out
for him.

Two hours later Weasly crept in the cockpit of the Phoenix, secured
himself in the captain's chair and depressed the 'launch' button. With a
roar the Phoenix lifted itself from the silo that once house weapons of
mass destruction. The people in the scientific commune, who didn't know
Cochrane had offed himself, waved and cheered at their colleague.

The Phoenix rose out of the Earth's atmosphere and sheds it's second
stage. Then the two warp nacelles folded out and the craft was ready for
warp speed. Weasley sat alone in the four man cockpit. It hadn't been
difficult converting the console to reroute navigation, communications
and the science station to the pilot's controls. But, hey, what would
you expect from a boy wonder! Weasley noticed the Enterprise and felt a
haughty disdain for his former ship and her crew. With luck the Borg and
the crew would destroy each other. Then the future belonged to HIM!

On the Earth the crew members of the Enterprise had landed in their
escape pods after narrowly escaping the Borg. They converged on the old
missile base. Riker found the body of Cochrane lying slumped against a
wall, his brains splattered out. From the sight of it it looked like
Cochrane had committed suicide. What could bring an esteemed scientist,
who had just made a formidable breakthrough, to such a desparate action?
Surely not just the Tequila! And who had taken the Phoenix up for a
spin? Riker stared at the body and at the empty missile bay. The thought
hit him like a 1,000 tonne weight and he cursed aloud:
"WESSSLLLEEYYY!!!"

In space the Phoenix went into Warp 1. A rainbow-like trail flashed and
the ship transcended the Einsteinian laws of the Universe. Near Neptune
the Vulcan ship's sensors picked up the warp trail. The Vulcans had been
exploring this measly little solar system and they were just about to
return home. They had picked up the many signals from the third planet,
but they seemed insignificant and trivial. Something called a "Talk
Show" flashed on their monitors. A meaningless programme titled "Honey,
This Is Your Baby, It's Got Three Heads, But Don't You Think It's
Cute?". About parents with genetically mutated offspring, which was a
result of a violent conflict, similar to those that occured thousands of
years ago on Vulcan. These people were so primitive!

But this warp signal changed everything. It meant that there was hope
for humanity after all. The fact that they could transcend the physical
barriers of the universe would give evidence to the theory that this
species was ready for contact with other species. Even if they did not
make contact now, this species would venture out to the stars and sooner
or later they would meet other races. The decision was made and the
Vulcan ship set course for Earth.

Weasley had finished his warp flight and landed the Phoenix near the
missile base in Montana. By that time Picard had beaten the Borg and
rescued Data singlehandedly (he must have taken some pointers from the
Weasel himself!) and had transported down, leaving Data to man the
transporter. When he saw the Weasel emerge from the Phoenix he cursed
inwardly and shouted "Wesley, what have you done?".

"Oh, hi, Captain, I just made the first warp flight! That Mr. Cochrane
wasn't so nice after all, he shot himself, because he couldn't handle
the fact that I was better!"

"Wesley, now the whole Earth's history has changed and it's your fault!"
shouted Picard. "Now the Federation will not happen and nor will
Starfleet!"

"Oh, none to worry, Captain, being the boy genius I am, I have already
found a solution for this!" the Wuss said smugly. A group of people had
assembled around Picard and the Wuss and they were wondering where
Cochrane was. The Weasel started addressing them: "My friends, I have to
tell you a sorry tale. It was I who invented the warp drive and not
Zefram, may his soul rest in heaven! We thought it would be best to let
him take the credit, because an older man would be more respected. But
now he's dead I have no choice but to come forward!" There were many
puzzled looks, but also a lot of looks of acceptance and Picard was just
about to contest Weasley's claim when the Vulcan ship made it's final
descent and landed amidst a dumbfounded mob.

The Vulcan ship opened and two Vulcans came out. Weasly seperated
himself from the group and before Picard could intervene he addressed
the Vulcan emissaries: "Hi, My name is Wesley Crusher and I am the boy
genius who invented the warp drive and was detected by you ship. Shall I
tell you how I did it? I was great, wasn't I?"

The two Vulcans exchanged glances then they turned and re-entered their
ship. The doors closed and with a blast the ship lifted off from the
Earth. The ship's ascent was much faster than it's descent. In only a
few seconds it was gone and the only thing visible in the sky was the
stars, now forever unreachable by mankind.

"Why did they leave? What did I do?" said the Weasel with wondering in
his voice. They were to be his last words as the crowd of commune
dwellers and Starfleet officers forgot all their notion of civilization
and jumped him, tearing him limb by limb. Even his mother joined in! He
didn't even get a chance to scream. Worf ripped out his heart, eating
it, then spitting it out. It tasted awfully!

When the dust settled all that remained was a lot of dismembered body
parts. His head lied there, without eyes, since Picard (totally
forgetting his dislike for violence) pushed them inside his sockets and
squished them. The crew of the Enterprise them started to play soccer
with his head, probably the only useful thing it had been used for. When
the game was over his head was taken to a medical facility and disected
by his mom.

There it was discovered that Weasly had been suffering from a disease
previously undiscovered, since it required real surgery and not those
damn tricorders to find it. The disease was officially named Crusher's
disease, so the 'boy wonder' got his bit of glory after all! But the
general public favoured the term wussy-itis, after a pre-holocaust
Beavis and Butthead tape was found.

In space the Vulcan ship sped away from the Earth at warp 9.9. It took
all of the engineers' overtime to keep the engines running at that
speed, but it was for the best of reasons. The Vulcans wanted to remove
themselves as far as possible from the system that had given birth to
'Wesley Crusher' and 'Talk Shows'. Seeing a person so wussy, whiny and
whinghing had been the last straw!

The Earth was labeled a quarantined planet, (type A, worst possible
scenario) not to be visited by any sentient race. Any vessel entering or
leaving the solar system was to be destroyed on sight. The Vulcans
relayed this information to the Klingons, the Cardassians, the Romulans
and even the Ferengi. From there it spread to all the corners of the
galaxy.

Mankind was never to travel to the stars. The United Federation of
Planets was never to be. And Starfleet would never come to exist. And
the Earth would be shaken by the worst violence it had seen in ages and
it would continue till no human being would be left alive!

All thanks to the Weasel!

From: jonr@flash.net.nospam.damnit
Newsgroups: alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die
Subject: Most wished for scene from FC
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 1997 23:00:32 GMT

After seeing First Contact again recently I couldn't help but think they
could have added a scene that I think all would have enjoyed. Wesley
rejoins the Enterprise E on a visit to his mom. When the Enterprise
follows the Borg back to old Earth Wesley is right there lending a hand
and pissing people off like the days of old. He also joins the away team
and pairs up with Troi to find Cochrane. When Riker finally finds Troi
he stumbles over the prone figure of young Wesley. He inquires as to
what happened and Troi then explains that in the course of her
investigation Wesley became extremely drunk. When they tried
"...something called Tequila" Wesley was so far gone that he passed out
and choked to death on his own vomit. No one seems to mind. When told of
her son's death Beverley simply shrugs and says something to the effect
that Jack never could handle his tequila either. The movie then
continues without another thought about Wesley.