From: root@tlerll.earthlink.net (Tlerll)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.os.tlerll,
alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die, alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die
Subject: Wesley Crusher + IMMENSE PAIN = FUN FOR 1/3 OF THE FAMILY!
Date: 31 Dec 1997 02:42:07 GMT

WESLEY CRUSHER'S ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE DAY WITH LOTS OF WACKY VIOLENCE

by Tlerll

[WESLEY wearing his kiddie starfleet uniform, playing with a toy
truck.]

WESLEY: Brooom broom...rumrumumrum...BEEP-BEEP... broooooommm....

[CUT TO a large steel wheel connected to a strong motor at the center.
Several extremely strong workmen are carrying a pellet made of an
unknown material, which is about the size of really small television.
It is obviously quite heavy as they are having great difficulty trying
to carry it. They barely make it to the wheel and hook the pellet to
the wheel, and then gasp and fall down in relief. Then horrified looks
appear on their faces as they all remember something. They quickly get
up and run away as fast as they can. A few seconds after they have
gone, the noise of a massive machine begins and the wheel starts
turning, slowly at first, but steadily gaining speed.]

[CUT TO WESLEY playing with the truck.]

WESLEY: Brrrooooommmm... brrooooommmmmm...BEEEEEEEEEEEP...
FOOOOOOOOOFFF! Brooooommmmm... brroooommmmm... BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP...

[CUT TO the wheel, spinning faster.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the wheel, spinning faster.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the wheel, spinning even faster.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the wheel, spinning even faster than before.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the wheel, spinning amazingly fast.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the wheel, now far beyond the sound barrier.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO a control panel, with a readout that says: SPEED: 92X SOUND.
A gloved hand reaches out and presses a big red button. CUT TO the
wheel and the pellet flys off and speeds through the air.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the pellet, speeding through the air.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the pellet, speeding through the air.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.]

[CUT TO the pellet.]

[CUT TO WESLEY, playing with the truck and making more truck noises.
The pellet flies directly into WESLEY's crotch, and this specially
designed pellet transfers all the momentum to WESLEY, and he falls over
flat and hits the ground EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY, HARD, BUT IS NOT
PARALYSED.]

WESLEY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [continue for five minutes.]

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN to the Enterprise's sick bay. Thanks to the miracle of body
part replacement, Wesley doesn't appear to have suffered any damage.]

BEVERLY CRUSHER: Well, Wes, now you look like you used to and you
should feel better, but I'm afraid that I'll never be a grandmother.
Now go off and play!

[OPTION TO MAKE EPISODE EXTREMELY POPULAR AMONG HORNY MALE TECHIE
GEEKS: BEVERLY CRUSHER jumps on top of a table and takes her clothes
off and then dances around naked for half an hour.]

WESLEY exits sick bay and walks down the corridor, singing "The wheels
on the bus go round and round, round and round..."

WORF jumps out of a secret hiding spot with an axe and hacks WESLEY's
arms off and throws them into a garbage disposal.

[CUT TO WESLEY exiting sickbay, with the caption "ONE DAY LATER" at the
bottom. He has dog arms sewed on to him, and naturally has paws instead
of hands.]

He looks at his right paw.

WESLEY: Waaaaaah! Worf took away my true love away! Now I just have
this paw! [Looks upward, shakes paw upward] I'll get him, I'll avenge
you, my love!

WORF jumps out of the secret hiding place again. This time wielding a
club with a large spike stuck through it in addition to the axe.

WORF: I HEARD THAT, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!

WORF hacks off WESLEY's legs, and his head, which goes flying into a
machine marked 'BRAIN EXTRACTOR', which grinds WESLEY's head into the
main ingredient of a pot noodle and stores it in a vat marked 'POT
NOODLE INGREDIENT #1'. It spits out his brain. WORF smashes WESLEY's
torso into bits with the club.

FADE TO Doctor Crusher looking at a medical tricorder in sickbay, with
the caption ONE WEEK LATER at the bottom of the screen. PICARD enters.

PICARD: Doctor... what is the status of Ensign Crusher?

BEVERLY CRUSHER: See for yourself... COME OUT, WESLEY!

WESLEY enters. His body has been totally replaced by that of a dog.

PICARD: I'm sorry, Mr. Crusher, but since you are no longer human,
you're just a dog, from now on we'll have to call you 'Spot'.

WESLEY/SPOT: Can I at least go to ten forward and talk with my friends?

PICARD: No! You're not allowed, you're just a dog, Spot!

WESLEY/SPOT: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I miss being human!

WESLEY/SPOT exits sickbay. Again, WORF jumps out of his secret hiding
place, this time with a BIG BERTHA driver. He hits WESLEY/SPOT with it
very hard.

WESLEY/SPOT flies through many walls and ventilation ducts, and flies into the Matter/Antimatter reactor, which explodes. EXTERNAL view of
the Enterprise exploding.

MUSIC: Beethoven's ODE TO FREEDOM.

The Enterprise explodes and WESLEY/SPOT goes flying out into space
towards a black hole. At such immense speeds, he is thrown back in time
to 1965 and falls through Earth's atmosphere. He catches on fire but doesn't burn up. He lands on Gene Roddenbery and kills him, and
therefore ELIMINATES HIMSELF FROM THE SPACE TIME CONTIUUM, adding EXTRA
PAIN to the Earth exploding and colliding into the sun, which also
explodes.

He is then hurled forward in time to 1997 where he is turned into pure
ice by going through hale-bopp and then he smashes into tiny pieces on
an asteroid and is eaten by Jupiter, which burps so loudly that the
ENTIRE UNIVERSE EXLPODES.